Arrmaitee and Daylyn
SLASH! PARODY! Harry Potter wakes up and suddenly realizes that he’s gay and that he wants to shag the potions master. But will Hermione help him seduce the greasy git?
A Very Snarry Romance is RATED R and includes Harry/Snape SLASH (and a few other slash pairings for your enjoyment)!
This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Chapter 1: The Revelation
“Hi. My name is Harry James Potter, and I’m a homosexual.”
No, that just sounds stupid. I should start again.
“Hi, I’m Harry. And you must be Snapey, I mean… Snape.”
Bugger! Pick up lines are harder than I thought. You’d think by the time I turned sixteen that these kinda things would be easy, but I have no real experience with relationships (other than that ridiculous tryst with She-Who-Must-Not-Stop-Sobbing). Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Pretending to hit on Snape. Let me give it one more try.
“Hi, I’m Harry. Harry Potter. You probably remember me from detention or from Double Potions class or even from Occlumency lessons, but I have something GREAT to tell you. You see, last night I went to bed thinking that I’m straight and that I was gonna marry Ginny Weasley, move into a flat in London, raise a family and lead a normal superhero life… but then everything changed. I realized when I woke up that I’m gay and I want to shag you silly! Isn’t that exciting?!”
All right, maybe the blunt approach wouldn’t work well either. Snape is definitely the ne plus ultra of chicken hawks, but I have a feeling that the frigid rooster’s gonna play hard to get. After all, it isn’t all that often that an incredibly hot, newly buff, sixteen-year-old celebrity seduces his greasy, scrawny yet devastatingly sexy thirty-six-year-old potions master. He'd probably be suspicious of my advances, and I wouldn't want to make him... nervous.
Oh dear. Someone is at the door, and here I am posturing naked in front of my full length mirror while fantasizing about pick-up lines for my slimy sexpot.
“One minute.” Fuck. Where are my trousers? Damn, I wanted to wear my blue ones, but they’re all sticky. Don’t ask. Oh, here we go.
“I’ll be there in a second.” Now, I just need some underwear. Oh yeah, they go under my trousers. Damn, I’m disoriented.
“Dudley, what’re you doing up here… in my room… on my sixteenth birthday… wearing a body hugging tank top and fluorescent biker boy shorts?”
“Get up you lazy sod, and make my breakfast…”
Dudley froze at the sight of my semi-naked body.
“Oh, cousin… you look so… different, now that you’ve turned sixteen.”
He moved closer into the room.
“So… delightful. Why don’t you drop your drawers and I’ll show you some wrestling moves.”
“Er, Dudley. Are you hitting on me? You’re my first cousin, you sick fuck! We’re related by blood! I know this is England, but still… we’re not the Royal Family, although I am a sexy celebrity.”
“C’mon cousin. You know you want to call me Studley. Say my name, bitch!”
“Umm… no. [pulls out wand] Now get the fuck out of my room before I hex you.”
[door closes and Dudley leaves]
Now where was I? Oh yeah, underwear and Snape. What a great combination. I wonder if Snape wears underwear. I wonder if they are black silk, or a cashmere polyester blend, or maybe the kinky bastard wears dragon’s hide or… DAMN I WANT TO SHAG HIM!
I need a plan. I MUST HAVE A PLAN! But when J.K. wrote these bloody novels, she never gave me the intellect to figure anything out without relying on the one person who has all the books smarts but no actual practical experience. Hermione! But how will I break the news to her that I want to bang Sevvy?
“Ron, you’ve come to rescue me in your dad’s new illegal flying car. I’ll get my trunk!”
“Hey mate, why don’t you let me get your trunk.”
“That’s so kind of you, Ron. I never knew my best mate was so chivalrous. I wonder if my Snapey’s chivalrous.”
Ron picked up my trunk and carried it over to the flying car. I grabbed Hedwig’s cage and tossed it in the back seat.
“Hoot hoot.” [translation – “Sod off, you heedless poof.”]
I climbed in next to Hedwig. She bit me. Bloody bird.
“Oh no, Harry. I want you to sit up front… next to me.”
“Why Ron, how considerate. But I want to keep my neglected owl company.”
“I insist, mate. Sit next to me. I have something important to tell ya.”
[climbs up front next to Ron. The car flies off toward the Burrow]
Wow. The view is sooooo pretty. I love flying. It’s so cozy up here… especially with Ron’s warm hand stroking my thigh. Wait a minute…
“Ron, what’re you doing?”
“Harry, mate… I have something to tell you. I want us to be more than best mates… I mean, I want us to get matey, I mean… you know… we can be mating mates and uh… yeah.”
“Ron, I value your friendship and comradery, too. Why do you have you hand on my crotch?”
“Harry, I love you. I love you so much. I even wrote you a poem."
[pulls out poem]
your name rhymes with marry
Every morning, I think of you.
What can I do?”
“Ron, that was… [cough] really great… yeah. You’re my best mate ever. I wonder if Sevvy would drip hot wax all over my naked body in the shape of a love poem? Ooh, I get all tingly just thinking about it. Ron, why are you banging your head on the steering wheel? You’re making the horn sound. The muggles will hear us! Ron!”
[some time later]
“Yippie, we’ve arrived at the Burrow. Now I can talk to Hermione about my plan to seduce Snape.”
“Yeah yippie, does anyone have any Xanax? Or a razor? Or both?”
“Hoot, hoot.” [translation – “Sorry mate, I’m all out. But if you find some Xanax, give them to me and I’ll slip them into Harry’s pumpkin juice.”]
[enters the Burrow]
“Hi Hermione. You look nice and bushy today.”
“Er… thanks, Harry. How was your summer?”
She threw her arms around my neck, almost choking me. God, now that I’m looking at the world from my new, homonormative perspective, I realized that girls equate intimacy with bear hugs. I bet Sexy Sevvy wouldn’t crush me, except in a firm embrace, with our strong, hard, sweaty bodies pressed together and…
“I know you were pretty upset after Sirius died…”
Hermione was blabbering again.
“And I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I knew how much he meant to you and…”
“Oh Hermione. I’m so over that now. Now that I’m sixteen, I have a whole new body and a whole new perspective. And I need your help with my new special plan.”
The buxom bird pulled me closer, but those new overgrown lumps on her chest got in the way. I yanked free.
“Are you sure you’re okay about Sirius?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. I mean, I went to bed last night devastated and hating Snape and blaming him for my godfather’s death and everything, but now I see things differently. And I need your help. You’re the only person J.K. has put in my magical world who can help me with an important, life altering plan!”
Hermione stepped closer to me and started stroking my now perfect hair.
“I’ll do anything to help you, Harry. Anything…”
Eeeeeeeeh… That's nasty. She smells way too floral to be in my close proximity. The only thing that turns me on is a hot, sweaty mid-thirties Slytherin drenched in armadillo bile or stinksap or… I stepped back.
“Thanks Hermione. I knew I could count on you to help me shag the potions master. You see, I woke up this morning and realized that I’m gay and that I desperately want to bonk Sexy Sevvy! He is my one true pairing and I plan to marry him and I need you to help me seduce him and… Hermione? What are you doing lying unconscious on the floor? Does anyone have any smelling salts?”
End of Chapter 1
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